There was a little boy with a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of
nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, to hammer a nail
in the back fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the
fence! It gradually dwindled down as he discovered it
was easier to hold temper than to drive those nails into the fence.
Finally, the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He
told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull
out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The
days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that
all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led
him to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the
holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say
things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one.
You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say "I'm sorry", the wound is still there.
A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one. Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed.
They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share a word of praise, and they always want to open their hearts to us. Show your friends how much you care. Dont kill them with your angry outbursts. You will lament later. Imagine how many friends you have already lost because of little things.
ANGER is like nuclear energy. It can be lethal to you if you misuse it. All explosive things can be made to be useful by proper management. Anger is a great form of super energy. The ideal is to harness energy out of anger, which can work to eliminate the cause of your anger. Angry person is the loser always. Don't play with anger. Try from now on, to blame yourself for all your anger - NEVER to others as you are the ONLY one who suffers not the third parties to whom you blame.
How to deal with Anger
Dear Friends
The question still remains in one's mind HOW To express anger. Should we SUPPRESS it or should we programme our mind to train it to use that extra fuel created by energy to do something more creative ?
My experience and feeling is that even if somebody provokes you zillion times, if you knew deep down in your heart, that ANGER is like opening the lid of a living volcano, you will for sure think several times.
Because if you remove the lid of the volcano, the lava will flow and guess who is going to get the sensation of BURNING ?
The person who provoked you or YOU?
If you review it carefully you will see that lava will flow in yourself. The smoke of this lava will keep your mind polluted and the feeling of burn will keep hurting you for days.
While you are burning, in reality, you are burning in the fire of repentence. WE all feel very foolish once the lava of anger has finally flown away, drained out.
The AFTERMATH of anger is the assessment of loss, the calculation of damage we have done to ourselves.
In all this process, you will notice that, the person who provoked you is NEVER there to suffer an iota of what you suffered.
WE ARE THE ONLY victims of our own anger.
Nobody else.
WHO PAYS for the anger?
If we connect a 100 watt light bulb with a 4000 voltage source, it would instantly burn the bulb. Similarly the nervous system is not made to withstand the destructive and powerful force of anger - an intense emotion - which does drain away our energy.
Dont just take it easy. It is proven that each episode of anger can take our life energy, pran shakti, the divine life energy, out of us. In fact if I told you, that each angry scene cost you 30 days of your life, and if you calculate each time you have gone nuts with anger, many people will have lost many years already. Do your calculation now for yourself and see how much of your life is already gone.
Please take note that ANGER is not a force in itself nor it has any shape of its own, but IT is a powerful invisible, earthquake like phenomenon which shakes and stirs the life energy, inherent in your body and soul - which is the real source of force - and in reality drains it out. So in other words, anger is your own life energy which is converted by anger into a negative force. By practice and exercise you can re-convert this negative force into positive energy again. It does work. I assure you.
So we do lose a lot by anger?
Suffering ourselves from this enormous loss, is actually diminishing our life energy and consequently reducing our life's duration and stay on this planet with our present name.
How do we deal with it?
First of all write down on a piece of paper, who makes you angry, what is it that makes you angry, what words and actions, in which way, make you angry. Then meditate and think deeply, about the reasons why you get upset for those words and actions.
Each time you get angry, think about and go through the above practice of quick analysis.
Think how damaging it is and how much you are going to lose by letting your precious life force go waste as if it was useless. Remember your life force, in question, is in reality a certain fraction of LIFE.
If i told you that each time you get angry, you are going to lose 40% of your monthly income, will you not stop and think seriously the causes of anger.
Likewise or probably in more ways, you are losing much more than that. You are losing your life force, which is divine and a gift of Nature. Keep it in your life reserve. It is LIFE itself.
You will never get back that lost essential life energy. REMEMBER! We are actually forfeiting and losing a part of our LIFE.
If you have friends who make you angry, try not to see these friends. If you have anyone around you who is so cruel that he or she is unknowingly robbing of your life force, will you continue to be a victim of their tactic or tantrums and kill yourself gradually just to keep their ego uninflated.
If you were smart and alert, you will stop seeing these people or change your attitude. DO NOT Expect THEM To change or amend their ways. THEY WILL NOT CHANGE even if you lose all you have.
DO NOT have a head on collision with these people who make you upset. JUST do not get in their way.
Take another route. DONT TELL ME there are not many alternate routes always. Find them out. There is always a way out.....
Change yourself and save yourself.
Please write me what makes you angry and i will try to write you a positive solution. Do not worry you will not be able to provoke me nor i will get angry.
Please review yourself today and give 10 minutes to enhance this life saving skill. Will you?
Maitreya
| By deym on Friday, December 2, 2005 - 06:41 pm: |
Anger is another word for fear and it is usually a self-destructive waste of time. "Fear" that there is a threat to plans or to any aspect of self related image. It can be real or perceived. Insecurity can be tool for growth by overcoming these fears and not wasting the energy in a self destructive way. Simply decide how you like to feel inside, happy and peaceful or angry and fearful? Choose. The only anger that is not a waste of time is when it does not relate in any way directly to self, but is used constructively to help others.
| By D on Saturday, February 26, 2005 - 03:19 pm: |
i get so angry over letting things build up inside. I sometimes literally feel pain in my head and neck due to this i feel like i'm about to explode and then eventually i do. These episodes consist of saying things that are very hurtful to my wife,then usually punching holes in the wall or breaking lamps, dishes,etc.. I really need help controling my anger and finding better less mentally damaging ways of expressing it.
any and all comments would be greatfully accepted and read with hope that they can and will help
| By andy on Sunday, November 6, 2005 - 10:09 pm: |
Hi' am adelina born 05 august 1964. I need advice because is falling apart no matter what or how I try to get a handle of things it gets worst Am very empty inside and lonely.Especially where my chosing a partner to me they only comes to use me.I've been hurt by them many times before when i do one a chance its a disater only what i have to give but when i do ask for something that's when problem arises.I met with a guy at work his very nice and loving we use to enjoy each others company and never went as far as having sex ,although we have strong feeling for each other.But eventually he s keeping me at arms lenght , his my supervisor am scared to confront him, His the very first person i've known to give me such feeling which i can't fully understand i might say its lust or just other one of the men games, but the way i feel its beyond any relationship i'd ever had .We used to watch each other in the eye and feel the vibration through us do you think its wise for me to face him
| By Anonymous on Tuesday, February 25, 2003 - 08:21 am: |
Dear brother Maitreya
I was wondering on how to deal with my fathers depression, and my wifes weakness, i love them both very much and want them to become stronger , because its sad to see them driving themselves into the gutter, please brother get back to me, thank you so very much.
ps: it is mainly financial problems that seem to have my father depressed, do you see any light glowing on this problem.
| By Bullion Grey on Saturday, May 8, 2004 - 05:02 pm: |
Use your mind don't let your mind use you.
Use your memories don't let your memories use you.
Use your imagination don't let your imagination use you.
| By Bullion Grey on Monday, November 25, 2002 - 10:43 am: |
12 (twelve) New Ideas
These twelve new ideas are the result of an individual's experience, study and living. Perhaps you will find something here today for your own nourishment.
We are creative beings...we are all co-creators and when we acknowledge this through our ideas and actions we become authentic.
12 New Ideas
1. We admitted we are powerful creative beings. That our lives are direct reflection of our use of our inner, creative imaginative spirit.
2. We now understand and know that a power greater than ourselves moves to us and through us; even when we don't feel it.
3. We now make a decision to open ourselves to a greater creative expression in our daily life by creating new work, play and art.
4. We inventory our ideas and lives to become aware and identify with our creative spirit within.
5. We admit to ourselves we can be more creative just by deciding to do so.
6. We prepare to become creative in our thoughts and actions. To express creativity to a greater degree in our daily lives.
7. Now we begin to think in terms of humility by asking Infinite Creative Intelligence (ICI) to help us be more creative, loving and accepting of all who have unique experiences other than our own.
8. Made a list of all new things we want in our life including healthy love, and true friends. Starting the process of bringing them into our lives.
9. Made direct efforts to express our creative ambitions in action and deed. Starting a greater creative process no matter how small we may start from.
10. Continued to seek our path to a better life through Infinite Creative Intelligence, the author of all things. Knowing that Infinite Creative Intelligence didn't build a stairway leading to no where.
11. Began to realize that we are in constant prayer and that we must guide our prayer in thought and spoken word towards the life we desire. That everything we think about daily is created in our minds, hearts and then lives. Knowing now what we fail to think about and ask questions about will not become apart of our life.
12. Having a new spiritual awakening now everyday, we try to share these ideas with others and incorporate these ideas in every aspect of our live's.
The Law of Concentration says whatever you dwell on grows. The more you think about something the more it becomes a part of your reality. It is impossible to concentrate on something daily and NOT have it appear, in some form, in your everyday life. Think now of what you want to be, do and have. Think now that you are more creative, imagine how create you can be today?
Take these ideas and post them and see if they lend some useful thinking to your day.
thank you,
Derek Lantzsch
| By Nikki on Saturday, August 10, 2002 - 05:38 pm: |
I had a misscarridge 2 weeks ago, and now things have settled i have this horrible i think angry feeling that crops up, can you please suggest how i can face this and get it out !!!! ( apart from writting it down...? a meditation or something...I'm dealing with it and I know in my heart and my higher self the truth and I feel peace, - just seen to have this uncontrolable human emotion rumble, and will try anything to realease it......
Dear Nikki
Whatever happens it does for a good reason.
Yet your sadness is natural as your maternal instincts are high and you feel you have lost something. Well it is a loss indeed but recuperable. May be you were not ready and you need to change your diet. Emotionally sane and centered one must be and now you need to release all sadness and look forward to a healthier time.
The best you can do is reading something that soothes you and a harmonious music that heals you.
M
| By Sage on Wednesday, July 3, 2002 - 10:52 pm: |
The ones we love the most are the ones we hurt the most because we care so much and we want to get our point across. If you have been scared it will be hard to show love and they will not see it and it will anger us. I must learn to heal my heart and show my love. By doing this I will no longer try to get my point across by yelling but through affection. I must realize she is not trying to hurt me and must not be deffensive. I must learn that she means well and not be sinicle. God will cleanse my heart through faith. And I will learn to show my love. Good Luck to all.
| By PETUNIA on Friday, March 8, 2002 - 07:20 pm: |
what do u do when a man hits u beacuse he is unhappy with himself he does not work lives of his mother he is very controlling and a very typical gemini.moody and always unpredictable never on time i was his girlfriend for 7 years and i was a homeless girl so he was kind to take me in but then thats when all the stuff would happen he would be very manipulative to me and his mother he has no father but i would say ..you have a child w/ me can u work.....or support us he would tell me shut up..and mind my own buisness so had nowhere to go so i would have to stay and deal with that crap..so finally one day he hit me so hard and grabbed me and said he was going to take the baby away and scare me and control me so i ran out left the baby there and went to the police finally he would tell the police no she hit me and was abusing me he would lie lie lie its was so awful so they arrested both of us for misconduct and spousel abuse this was not my fault so then i got the baby back he was went to court was found guilty by a jury and put in jail for 1 year.this was so good for me and the baby but....i felt sorry for him and would get stupid again and visit him in jail and he would manipulate again oh honey im sorry and all that bull that went with this so i said i have to go into a shelter with my child and get the hell away from him so we stayed there for 5 months its was somewhat helpful but then i had to move to another shelter so then finally i get my own apartment i never felt so uplifted as of now i got rid of him but he still wants me and i say no its over please lets get on with our lives and he is denial and wont let me go...so i see him once a month he takes the baby to his house ..so this is good now....so after all this horrible nightmare life for 7 years i am finally free .....now i need a new man in my life to treat me right i have def learned from this man never to allow that to happen ever again...but now i go online to found people to communicate with only to find men looking for sex i hate that i found 1 man that is very nice but he lives in india he is very respectful and would prob be the man forme i told him all what happened and he said he would just chat for 8 months to get aquainted with me then decide if coming to america would be worth it to be with me....he also went through a relationship with a cheating girlfriend so we both has simlar backrounds with abuse.....so should i go ahead and meet him in 7 months or just remain friends on line i really believe that he loves me very much and i love him too this is not just lust either.so please tell me should i convince myself that this man will be the right choice i really have strong feelings for him...he will come here meet me then we will decide if we are right for each other..so i want full commitment from he might want to marry me too he has to remain here too to get citizenship.....please any advice please help me with advice ...i would greatly appreciate that....also this indian fellow has helped metoo with the way to respect myself and not let anyone belittle me so his advice is wonderful as well but i need it from another source.......THANK YOU SO MUCH LOVE TO ALL....PETUNIA
| By Shishya on Monday, December 31, 2001 - 03:56 pm: |
Hi Terry 61,
Try dealing with anger by deep breathing and some meditation. Don't deny your anger or just tell yourself that it is not worth it. If something riles you to a point that causes you to lose custody of your children, it is being triggered by something in your heart or mind that is seeking to be addressed. e.g. it could be something that a person in authority said to make you angry, but because you were little, you could not react. Now that you are bigger and more grown up you feel you are able to express it. I know from personal experience that when I felt that I could not express my anger towards my husband for fear of offending him or hurting his feelings or upsetting him, I became very resentful. My anger would explode at minor and insignificant things that my children would say or do. One day I realized that this was totally unproportional and I got down and prayed to God to help me deal with it so I could learn to be angry to the right degree with the right person and be able to express it constructively. I found that with continuous reminders over a period of time I reached a point where the unreasonable outbursts were fewer. I talked to my husband and calmly expressed my feelings of anger and hurt. No, the response was not perfect, but after a few times, I found that I was no longer making snide remarks that were like poisonous arrows. Not because he felt that I was right or justified, but because I had voiced my feelings and diffused the 'explosives'. As for my children, I recruited them to help me. I sat them down, apologized for my behaviour and asked them to remind me in the future that I had promised not to direct unjustified anger at them. They went from fearing me to being shocked at my behaviour. I am sure they thought I had "lost it". It has been several years now. My children are grown up and we are very good friends. Oh, I still get angry, but I have learned to identify whether it is their actions or just my bad mood that is causing it. If it is their actions, we discuss what needs to be different and why (of course we don't always agree), and if it is my bad mood, I apologize. I have also made a point of voicing the fact that no matter how angry I am at their action or behaviour, it NEVER alters the fact that I love them. It reinforces the fact and reminds them that they are loved. If we only express anger, but not love or the other way, we are denying a major portion of ourselves. With this, they learned that it is okay to feel angry and frustrated but it is not okay to lash out. That is how it may have been directed at you, but try to break the chain. Do not impose your anger on others and do not accept responsibility for someone else's anger. Don't let anyone convince you that you are responsible for their angry behaviour. It is their own lack of self control that is causing them to try and control you. I know it is not as easy to do as it is to comprehend. I am still working on situations in my life and there are times when I fail. But that is when I accept my human frailties and instead of making excuses to justify my anger I accept responsibility, acknowledge my failure and forgive myself for having let myself down. Remember, you have to live with yourself 24 hours a day, so be true to yourself - not arrogant, but true. It is okay to fail and fall, but it is not okay to become a failure or remain fallen. Get up and start again. Good luck in your endeavours and I pray with you that you will be able to become a friend to your children.
| By Terry_61 on Tuesday, December 4, 2001 - 11:45 pm: |
Hi my name is Terry wow I can't believe the things I've been reading. I thought I was the only one who did crazy things out of anger. My ex-husband had an affair 3 years ago he's 37 and his girlfriend is 50
They have driven to the point where I actually wish they were dead. She is really old looking and I can't believe he left me for her. But because of my outbursts I have lost my children for 6 months they have to live with him until June 16th . It's taught me a huge lesson I am slowly learning to control my temper so that I can get my children back. And it's hard because one I'm a Scorpio and 2 I'm full blooded Portuguese. I'm learning to just walk away from him . And I'm actually starting to see what a pathetic person he is. So all the idiotic things he says and does no longer makes me that angry anymore. It's not worth it anymore.
| By angelica on Friday, August 10, 2001 - 12:23 am: |
My fiance makes me very angry.
He perves at women very dirtily purposely to make me upset, as he loves to see me jealous. I am sick and tired of his games and will not tell him my insecurities anymore. How can i pretend not to notice when all this sits in my stomach? he is like a 16 year old who has never seen breasts before.
I am angry because i give so much and do not deserve this. i should over take his heart . no other woman should intimidate him but they do, very easily.
| By mammy on Thursday, August 9, 2001 - 06:31 am: |
My husband angers me to the point of knowing he exist. He is fake, to agressive, unfair, not a good husband, not a good father, not financially supportive, takes the entire family for granted. Expects a lot and gives nothing.
He cheats on me, there's another child that's 2-3 years old outside the marriage. He constantly lies about it. He took the other womman to the family reunion while I was home.
I work for a living and not earning a lot of money. I'm always without money trying to feed, clothe and take care of my boys. He knows this is what cripples me not earning enough. Also, he pays people to watch my every existence. This is mentally destroying me.
He comes in to tell me where I went for lunch and who was with me. My self esteem is so torn and I feel so beat down.
This is the way his mother lived and died from a massive heart attack. My father-in-law treated her even worse.
| By esoteric on Friday, July 27, 2001 - 02:01 am: |
I agree with MAitreya.
Anger is a reaction. Reaction arises when we do not know what to do. i.e. when we do not know what should be the 'action'.
May be the mind has not graduated enough to process the stimulus / input and in a pressing demand to act, it ends up reacting. It is basically an inability to keep oneself in a state of Homeostasis [internal balance].
Ever seen a child reacting when you do not satisfy his need or take away his toy forcibly?
We react in the same pretty way..when someone hurts our ego; our we fail to get across OUR idea through somebody's head because we feel OUR ideas our more rational or superior.
MAitreya has described this reaction beautifully as if watching a movie of it in slow motion.
I enjoyed reading it.
| By Anonymous on Saturday, June 16, 2001 - 01:05 am: |
since last month i mailed couple of time my question,but no answer..i need yr adv pleees
dob 19jan1946 0400am...tanzania
his dob..6sep1960..no time...chitral
will we marry and be happy
| By Karma on Tuesday, September 19, 2000 - 04:43 pm: |
Anonymous, I have to disagree with you on your distinction between love and apathy. I believe love is defined as an emotion of affection and regard. However, though love is a feeling, it is distinctly classified as a positive emotional feeling. Apathy is just not feeling, period, whether it be good feelings or bad feelings, such as hate..a negative emotional feeling of spite and total disregard.
Being that emotion is defined as any strong feeling, I wonder if maybe you would reconsider this distinction and find that emotion/apathy would pair off much better than your original love/apathy one?
| By Anonymous on Sunday, September 17, 2000 - 08:49 pm: |
There is a place for anger in life. Anger is a strong emotion and can be sagely used to evoke positive change. Anger is used to communicate boundaries and when they are being crossed. Anger is a part of our lives. When anger rules our lives, its gone amuck.
I believe that under anger, there is always a sadness. Next time when you're angry, ask yourself, "what is it that I am afraid of? sad of losing?". The opposite of love is not hate (or anger) -- its apathy. Its only when we care passionately do we feel anger.
Life is full of letting go. The wise person knows how to express their anger in a constructive way and if that does not evoke positive change, to walk away.
| By Karma on Sunday, September 17, 2000 - 07:49 pm: |
I personally don't think there is anything wrong with feeling angry. Anger is a natural emotion and one should do what naturally comes to them when they become angry. I think that the consequences of how we harness or don't harness anger mold each of us. I think this is what distinguishes each of us from the rest of the world...how we react to emotions.
If we were all to take Maitreya's advice to heart and become zombies to our emotions, life would be pretty damn boring, don't you think? I say feel your emotions...bask in them...nourish your very soul with them. FOR, IT IS CALLED LIVING!!!! Damn, living is so wonderful. :)
| By anu pandey on Wednesday, August 30, 2000 - 06:19 pm: |
People who have anger have lot of ego in them. If a person leaves ego behind then automatically anger will vanish. When things do not happen the way it should happen then people get angry.
If I think that this world should act according to my thinking and if this doesn't happen then I get angry.
| By Kimbo on Monday, August 28, 2000 - 11:25 pm: |
How do I get over my boyfriend having a child with his
so call friend. I am so angry that I hate the letter M and C.----Insane Angry
| By vinayak on Tuesday, August 22, 2000 - 09:11 am: |
anger is depending on how the person brought and it is totally natuaral
| By trianne on Sunday, August 13, 2000 - 11:24 am: |
I have this feeling of jealousy and sometimes anger to my boyfriend's female bestfriend. Everytime he will mention about something about his bestfriend I feel so insecure and jealous. His bestfriend is so pretty that I feel so insecure. Everytime my boyfriend see her I feel so jealous and think and feel that his treatment between me and her bestfriend is very different. I get really jealous and angry when I see and feel how indifferent his treatment between me and his bestfriend. I feel that he love and care more for his bestfriend than me and I just don't feel it, I can really see and feel the indifference. I also get angry when I'm acting and feeling this way because I really feel so stupid of being jealous with my boyfriend's bestfriend. I dont want this to continue and I want this to stop, please help me overcome this feeling of jealousy and anger.
| By Anonymous on Sunday, August 13, 2000 - 12:36 am: |
I have been betrayed, lied to and strung along by a man that I deeply loved over the last year. The betrayal started when he had an affair an was caught out of town by my best friend. I was devasted and deeply injured. He begged and pleaded for a second chance. I gave it to him. My mother said, "One sparrow doesn't make a Spring." Over the course of this last year, he continued a phone relationship with this person, who knew me and knew we were in a relationship, but proceeded to provoke flirtation and gestures until he took the bait. As a result of living on very shakey ground for the last year, trying to beleive him and believe in him, he informs me that he has feeling for this women and wants to go out with her. I said if he did he would never see me again. He did, and was begging me to go to a jazz festival the next weekend. I expressed that I would not go against my integrity and and refused the invitation. Well, he ended up taking the person away for the weekend and I gues the rest is history.
I am angry that he srtung me along and took a very precious year from me. I am angry that people can be so deceiving,premeditiative and treacherous. I am not going to act out and have walked away from the situation. My insides are burning up and don't know what to do with the energy. I realize it's only harming me. I will not allow him in my life again and am sure at some point he will get tired of his party girl and be knocking at my door. I want revenge
and know that isn't ever going to happen. How do I handle the hurt? I am forty years old and really believed that I had had all my hard knocks. I want those two to hurt as much as I do. I know that is sick, but that's how I feel.
| By chitra on Saturday, August 5, 2000 - 03:16 am: |
hi
my name is chitra. i am the type who loses their temper pretty fast. i get most annoyed at my elder brother. there are some people who annoy me a whole lot(especially my cousin sisters),they take advantage of me because they know i have a rule,which is that i would never hit any of my cousin sisters. once or twice i have raised my hand on them,but i didn't hit them hard because i know they are weak.when they see i am getting annoyed that's when they start doing it even more. if it was my brother or my cousin brothers i would really hit them hard because i have no rule for my brother or my cousin brothers.actually i lose my temper with almost everyone i know ,so i t would me great if u would tell me what to do about it.
| By tanuja on Friday, August 4, 2000 - 04:53 pm: |
Anger if taken positively has a lot of energy in it.But the onlt thing is that it needs to be channelised.I myself often get outburst of energy when
people around behave in a hypocritic manner and their talk is hollow talk,or when they allude to something which u don't like.
I have tried to control myself under such circumstances by avoiding such people,if ignoring them is not possible,in my case i have to deal with my them everyday in office,i try to listen to them in a an indifferent manner,trying to find out something positive in them,also i try to meditate and always try to remind myself of the ephemeral nature of this life
and just try to forgive them.This is indeed very difficult.
| By khem on Friday, August 4, 2000 - 04:02 pm: |
I am writing this to Maiyetra. I wish only to have a very abbreviated version of it posted. I have enjoyed reading your letter since I subscribed. I am a scorpio and have been struggling with anger with another scorpio friend for two years now. I have lost a great deal of energy trying to manage it, understand it, overcome all the positive and negative. Several times there have been violent incidents. The whole thing should beover but I couldn't seem to put it aside. Both of us, I think, had very different ways of settling and going forward. Both of us loved and hurt one another's feelings. Hmmph. I kept trying to get over the anger I felt.
It was an anger based in part on a critical outlook on my friend-- disaproval of things he was doing, self deceptions and dishonesty-- which had been there since the beginning. -- You see, I kept telling myself"nobody's perfect; don't be so critical." And I never did settle that -- since I imagine he's better than most in some ways I appreciated, artistic, sensitive, but then maybe he is a little more self-indulgent and dishonest at times. A kind of treachery there always made me feel nervous. But was I any better? I never could resolve my two minds between feeling I was being too critical or wondering if i was not.
The other part of the anger came when we broke up and he just stopped talking. My reaction then was, and remained, child-like. I wanted attention that I wasn't getting and I sometimes tried to provoke it.I didn't know this at the time-- only that the friendship seemed too much to lose, and that I couldn't understand his behavior and that the behavior didn't align with what he had told me he believed and what i should beleive about him. I kept criticizing him in my mind for telling me what a loyal and trustworthy person he was, knowing he had told this to others he had then betrayed as he had told me about it. -- So, I was stuck in a cycle of indecision, unclarity, anger, guilt (self-doubt), blame. I couldn't get through. I kept picking up one new approach or outlook then another.
I was too emotional. Logic had always told me that he wasn't entirely good in a way that I appreciate. That he took too much authority in certain realms, or too easily excused his infidelities of a variety of sorts. Yet, even when things were bad I couldn't conclude he was bad. My emotional outlook wanted to be idealistic and say I simply didn't undertsand.
I was also angry because I knew he saw from the outset and then increasingly with critical eyes. Seeing at times some truths that I would not deny-- often had pointed out to him as my weaknesses. later he seemed to make a complex like a disease out of it. -- so, more wounds.
I finally seem to have hit bottom. A few nights ago i poured paint on his car. For the second time. I had had so much to drink I couldn't recall everything. (Alcohol seems to be a part of loneliness, emotionality, and confusion now. )Anyway, that whole thing frightened me badly. Enough to know I have come to the end. But you know-- I thought a million times that I had mastered the anger, and then, there it was. I fear that whatever I practice (and I have been reading and thinking and writing and practicing a lot over these years) that it will not necessarily stem anger in all cases.
I couldn't seem to get it out of my system alone. And I didn't have anyone to speak with about the relationship. Now I don't know what I am supposed to do with him in the future. For years my head has been filled with negative ideas about myself, feeling out of place here and not appreciated. And I was always in the weak position with him-- seeing myself as full of failings, just trying to understand him. I actually need to learn to develop some pride, rather than more humility. But I don't want to be judgmental. I don't know how to approach him, or what to do. My anger keeps popping up in small, infinitely shallower flashes now because of my mortification about what I did to his car a couple nights ago, and the stupid situation we face. I don't know whether to say nothing or to say something in the way of explanation and apology.
I hope you will help me by answering. But if you post any of this, please be careful. It's a private situation and I currently reside in a small, gosspy, and intensely judgmental southern town. Part of my fear has to do with the environment and my job.
| By Mary on Friday, August 4, 2000 - 03:15 pm: |
hello, Iam new to this site and I just LOVE it!!! It helps me face everday with a smile...I am writing because I, too have anger issues. I am incredibly jealous when my boyfriend make comments about other girls being attractive.....I am a very attractive women and I have recently lost 62lbs and go to the gym everyday...I cannot however seem to get over this issue with him..We have only be going out for 3 months and I want him to buy me a ring....He goes back and forth on that issue....I want to leave him becuase he has hurt me and I think people should have what they want out of life..he does not want to end the relationship and I don't want to hurt him but what else can I do???Some insight please?????
| By Anonymous on Friday, August 4, 2000 - 12:44 pm: |
Hello, i am very angry and frustrated due a very bad relationship that ended up in divorce that i continue to have to pay attorneys to protect my daughter and myself from a career con and a career drug abuser. a few weeks ago my daughter and i were asked to leave our home until her father was arrested because of a violation of probation. please understand that this person has an extensive background that i was not aware of until our divorce. the courts gave him shared parental rights with supervised visitation. i was estatic that this person had any rights after cleaning out all of my personal and business accounts not to mention forged my signature on documents and duplicated my credit cards and ran them to the limit. I also had to give him part equity in a home that i built and one of my vehicles because i had two. I at the time had an older daughter in college and another daughter now 7 yrs old. I was the sole supporter and always had been. Today we are setting here waiting for a phone call from Children and Family Services and my attorney to see what and where we have to go next. My health is not in very good condition because of all the years of this. I have tried for many many years in turning the bad of this into good and positive energy but there is always something else that he does and tries to discredit myself and my daughter. this is so overwhelming especially now since we had to leave our home and remain the victims in this but yet he continues to manipulate the system and we continue to prove our innocence and fear of him and his parents. please give me some insight on what i can do at this time. i am so tired and drained that i know that i must remain strong to continue to protect my daughter and myself but yet we want peace, we need it desperately. thank you jjp
| By angergirl on Friday, August 4, 2000 - 08:53 am: |
Good Day, dear Maitreya! Thank you very much for all your nice positive letters. Are you realy the Spiritual Theacher from Shamballa? I have a very personal problem than I don't want to put on the board.I want to discuss it only with you and I need your help. Is it possible?
How you know about my anger?
| By Anwesha on Friday, August 4, 2000 - 05:21 am: |
Hello,
Thanks for your valuable description.I think it will surely help me.I lose my temper when i feel neglected or when been scoled,for which I am not responsible.
I care for every one whom I konw and who is in my circle and I expect the same from them but when I failed to get the same attention and caring I lose my temper.
Can you just write me how to overcome from this problem in my account.
Thanks a lot again.
| By Anonymous on Friday, August 4, 2000 - 02:59 am: |
How can I do to refresh my status loving?
| By Anonymous on Monday, May 29, 2000 - 07:34 pm: |
Hi
I am noticing as I am getting older I like things my way.I feel when I was younger I may have been a little spoiled. Now when I cant get what I want I get mad! Another reason I get mad is when my fiance curses around my son .Now when my son does'nt get his way he starts calling us bad words.I tell him over and over stop the cursing.His dad has a mouth like a truck driver and so does my mom and she watches him when I go to work.I told her about her mouth she has gotten alot better,but she also has a very bad temper.Could you help me? Because I really love all of them very much. R.P
| By deym on Saturday, May 27, 2000 - 12:23 pm: |
I am responding here to mir. Anger is an energy, an unhappiness either directed at oneself (depression) or others (crabby moods, explosive attacks, resentment, etc.). It can be caused by fear, blame, or any type of absence or withdrawl of love. Separation from bonds (with family, home, friends) cause deep anxiety. Moving is acknowledged to be the third most powerful source of stress, after death or divorce. It takes about two years to adjust to the new environment, and about 5 years to feel completely at home. Nature cements us with bonds to places and people, even if we don't particularly feel a great conscious love for them. Humans, like sheep, cows or wolves, need the group/place bond. We need to feel loved and that we belong. When we break these bonds a deep anxiety sets in. If you are passive, the pain pushes you into depression. If you are aggressive, the pain makes you explode in unexpected angers.
It is very commendable that you have taken steps to improve your life situation, that you recognize that your old friends are on a destructive road with their drugs, etc. There are several ways you can go to aleviate your pain.
The first is to make friends in your new environment. Go out of your way to strike up friendships. Talk to people at school, at the laundromat, on the bus, wherever you see a friendly face. Join clubs so that you can find people with your own interests. Invite them out, even if it is just for a coffee.
The second way is to develop an inner, spiritual life where you become aware that you are not alone, that God, the Creator of all this Drama, Pain and Beauty, is your father too and loves you (who would not love their own creation, and will respond to your needs if you ask!). You need never feel alone if you have a strong spiritual life -- it not only can remove your pain, but make you strong, truly independent and happy!
In the meantime, read profound books and poetry. Hearing an intimate voice through the thoughts of brilliant people who have the sensitivity to touch your deepest thoughts and feelings in a positive, beautiful, uplifting way will make you feel less alone, less stressed.
I recommend Emerson, get the paperback with all his essays and works. Also Blake, Woodsworth, and Baudelaire are among my favorites. Reading the New Testament can comfort you. Eastern religions offer a different angle on the same story.
To deal with the bursts of anger, develop your memory. You can do all of the above, and forget it all in the second pressure sets in! Keep notes of your the cause of your deepest stress and positive reminders of relief with you at all times and refer to them frequently during the day. Take long walks, breathe deeply, and run or play a sport at least once a day. Physical activity contributes to an overall sense of wellness.
Finally, as an artist, develop your sight on all levels to stay amazed at the brilliance of the beauty around you. Bravo for your choice of career! It is one that requires much sacrifice, but the rewards are deep, multiple, and lead to lasting happiness.
http://www.deym.com
| By mir* on Friday, May 26, 2000 - 09:28 pm: |
hello...
i just came across this site and am very touched personally by it .. i just moved to a new town and away from family and friends. i am going to art school (which i adore)but i have become frustrated with my life in general. i am upset daily because i feel alone out here and i am having trouble figuring out why. My mom calls and stuff, but my dad is who i lived with before and i have spoke to him twice since january(when i moved here). There are kids out here that i know from back home, but i dont really like them, but i hang out with them to gain knowledge pertaining to what i go to school for. i write in a'journal' , but this feeling is still here. i have been going back home (2hrs away) often in hopes that seeing my old friends will help me out, but all they do is party and do drugs.. i am trying to do something with myself so that i will be successful later. i really need some advice or some opinions about my situation because it upsets me internally, and it is starting to show externally...i am not a 'bitchy' person and like to mingle but the way i feel seems to make me not as nice as i am normally.
i have mentioned it to my backhome friends but they just say, ' yeh, i know . i understand' and thats it... i am not depressed or anything, i am just confused, away from what i am used to, and need some help adjusting.. so if you people really read these, i hope that someone writes me back.. i am not giving my email for no reason.. your words are appreciated. thanks.. mir*
| By Benshaver on Friday, May 26, 2000 - 01:13 pm: |
Sticks & stones can break people's bones but harsh words can break their heart & soul.
No human is perfect and anger is a natural reaction of all human beings. Mythology tells us that even the Gods gave vent to their feelings through angry outbursts. Therefore, one has to take into consideration that this defect is present in all of us and to accordingly ensure that this defect does not surface too often or better still, not at all. Easier said than done.
What's the solution ? There are no quick fix remedies available in your neighbourhood chemist shop. The remedy is within ourselves. Self control is the only answer. And this only comes with sustained practice. Self control over one's anger can be achieved. But only by being aware of it every moment of our lives & in our inter action with others.
It isn't easy. But then nothing worthy in life comes cheap. So keep trying, trying trying ........
| By Carlan on Friday, May 26, 2000 - 04:17 am: |
…smls…it is very hard to rid ourselves of all kinds of things, especially when the root of the problem is not admitted to the "self". Your psychological evaluation of yourself by yourself tells me that you believe that you know yourself pretty well. However, your "self" is unconcerned about these self described events and their affects upon you. What I am saying is that your "self" wants something more than what you are telling us. Do you believe that subconsciously, perhaps, you may want a commitment from another person, a commitment of love and devotion for only you by someone that you feel could provide them if they would learn to know you? However, since the people that you are trying to help are addicts they have their own problems and are only worrying about themselves, not you. No commitment to you is going to come out of that quarter, believe me.
If as you say, you are explaining to others about "cause and effect" you can understand that to be honest with yourself will have the effect of causing a better relationship with yourself. You are a well educated and good person and as such you must position yourself in places and vicinities where lasting relationships can be found with like minded good people. Stop going to those places where addicts are until you find the lasting relationship that you really want. You will not only cause yourself great joy but when you do go back there to those drug addicts you will do them more real lasting good, as well.
"Scream therapy", sounds interesting to me, what do you do scream and scream until the anger is gone? I've heard of hitting therapy where you hit objects to rid yourself of anger, that is suppose to work to a degree, also. Most of these therapies are worth a try but I feel that if you want permanent change in your life you must confide in your "self" exactly what it is that you really want for yourself and then make the necessary changes to make that happen for you.
| By smls on Thursday, May 25, 2000 - 05:25 pm: |
I am angry at myself. It seems that i keep looking for the same type of person for a relationship. Yes, i am the type of person that puts a hand out to help people, but those people are those that need help probably as i do, but they are the type that need drugs to exist. I am not a druggy myself, but i have had two relationships in my not to distant past, one that lasted one and a half years and ended up breaking up. Drugs was the basic reason that it broke up. Both of these individuals were addicted to an assortment of drugs, and no matter what i attempted to say or do, it did'nt seem to make a difference in their lives enough for them to quit. Yes, i know that it was a reflection of my own insecurities, but the question is, why do i continue to look for these kind of individuals. It angers me inside to no end, and yes, i have tried to put the causes behind me, but now i feel like i cannot really look for anyone without them having a drug problem. Yes, i know that there are those out there that don't have a problem but at my age, and with the insecurities that i have, it just seems so hard, as my hand is always outstretched. It is like a wand that is looking for those that need help, but maybe looking to impress myself, that the help that they need inside, is a reflection of the help that i need inside of me. I know that i need to change in some ways, but change is so hard when one is set in their ways. I love people and i love to help. Maybe i should help myself first? Maybe i should make some inner beauty in myself first, eh? It just angers me so, that those that have these problems seem to gravatate to me and use me until there is nothing left to use. It's like i have a big "S" for sucker on my forehead, and maybe i am too naive to realize, that they recognize my insecurities, and will use them to the point of ending it, no matter what it costs me. I am the one that suffers, even though they are the ones, that in the future, that also will suffer from what they have given out. I tell them the "cause and effect" syndrome, and i guess that i also should remind myself of the same, and not forget it. I do "scream therapy" to try to rid myself of my angers and it does work to some extent, but the anger remains inside of me. Can someone help me please?
| By Carlan on Thursday, May 25, 2000 - 02:02 am: |
Cp, you are in an unusual position, one that none of us would want to be in. But, there you are, right smack in the middle of such an undesirable position. You are the main support of the entire "family". You feel trapped and you feel that not one of the "family" helps you out with chores and none of them care what your problems might be. And, you feel angry with yourself because you feel guilty about feeling the way that you do feel. Oh, and you feel that you are not allowed to express your true feelings and you are a pagan. . Is this brief scenario sound about right?
I am unclear of your paganism. I am thinking that you do not believe in God and that you may be a practitioner of what we would call a godless cult or perhaps Voo Doo or a form of black magic. You are not alone in these practices as you well know. I will not say more about this facet of your writings. Although, a discussion thread about paganism would be very interesting, indeed.
Cp, you are a very good human being. You must be a well organized individual and you must have the trust and goodwill of those people that you provide for. You are a humanitarian of an unusual kind, i.e., you must have a good heart and a well adjusted mind. I commend you on your ability to persevere!
I would ask you not to let the steam off as you put it. That is to say, not by the conventional means that most of us would choose to do it. I would ask you to do it here by discussing things of your life in the Thinkers net or by writing a personal journal or by exploring another release mechanism that would allow you more mental stimulation. I encourage you to meditate as before but with a bit more personal conviction.
Oh, you might want to know that not everyone is born with your gifts, such as your gift to sooth hurts, to give hope to people who feel hopeless, and to help people to make little successes of their otherwise problematic lives. I and many of the people here in Thinkers net do care about you and your wellness. Do not feel that you are alone any longer. You have us!
| By Carlan on Wednesday, May 24, 2000 - 11:50 pm: |
Anger of the kind Van speaks to is subtle in how it affects the caregiver. This anger is a, usually, secretive, self manifested guilt ridden cankerous sore that insidiously eats away at the very core of the caregiver's head and heart. In this case, the caregiver (Van) does his or her honorable duty in caring for his/her parents. But, it seems in Van's case, Van doesn't think his/her care-giving position is an honor or a duty. Van seems to feel that this position is more an obligation and an obligation that he/she should not have to be obliged to do alone since he/she has many other siblings that could easily be of assistance. But, the siblings are choosing not to help which is their prerogative. We might not agree with their decision, but, nevertheless this is their choice to make.
There is a couple of things that are of interest here. First, I wonder how Van became the primary caregiver in the first place? Secondly, why didn't the other 10 siblings want to take care of their own mother and father? Thirdly, why doesn't Van feel that to be the primary caregiver for his/her own parents is not the highest honor that could be asked of a child in this world? Fourthly, is Van's feelings of anger and frustration caused more because of his/her own selfishness than for any of the other stated dilemmas?
I believe that Van should be congratulated on his/her willingness to care for his/her own parents. It is a very tough job. Many aspirations and goals have had to be sacrificed and put off and for a young man or woman these sacrifices are difficult to fathom. Rewards for these kinds of duties are not many if there are any at all in this life. However, when Van has his/her own family and when old age creeps up on him/her, and he/she becomes unable to properly take care of themselves, he/she will be rewarded ten fold. What will happen is, Van's children will all pitch in to make his/her old age very comfortable. Trust in what I say! This event will occur whether or not Van is doing this honorable duty of caring for his/her parents willingly and with love, or, he/she is doing it out of a feeling of obligation and with a little selfishness on his/her own part! Because the bottom line is Van is doing what he/she is suppose to do!
| By Em on Wednesday, May 24, 2000 - 04:03 pm: |
Sandesh i'd just like to say that you made a fair comment before;BUT it is all very well saying that god and temples will make U personally feel better but that doesnt mean that everyone will be helped by this method of control.Every1 has different ways of coping with situations and if somebody doesnt feel comfortable in a church or temple, then it wont help them.People have to figure out there own ways to control themselves they cant be told they can only be guided!
| By Carlan on Wednesday, May 24, 2000 - 09:23 am: |
At 14 years old, anonymous person, I don't believe it is too late for you to make the necessary adjustments to save yourself from untold grief and misery. Another thing in your favor other than your age is that you have courage. Courage to know that you are in trouble and the greater courage to ask for assistance. We are strangers to you but we are not strangers to your problem. Most of us suffered the same kind of bullying from others at one time or another. The teasing is very hard to take. Retaliation can be brutal, too. Your query is not trivial. The kind of anger you are speaking to is very troubling but will go away quicker than you would expect. It will go away in away that you will least expect it to go away. It will go away when you realize that you now ( since you came to us) have control of what from now on is going to change in your life. The teasing will now stop because you just won't be teased any longer. You have become a thinker! You know that you are a thinker because you have entered the Thinker's net. From now on you will be depended on to contribute at least some of your thoughts on some of our discussions when you feel you want to. Yes, you are still 14 but you are now a personage of some power because now you have been accepted into the thinkers net. Welcome aboard!
| By Sandesh on Wednesday, May 24, 2000 - 06:31 am: |
Dear
Really ur msg is good. I too work on this same path asking others to controll there anger since it makes a lot of difference to urself not the other person. If i get angry i go to some temple & meditate. This is where sanskrit slok's benefit us. Praying in front of god for some time, then relaxing urself without thinking on the episode which made u angry brings ur heart beat to normal & when it is calm think of the event not the person who had made u angry. Then analyze the event in sequence by first thinking that u urself are wrong & getting all pros & cons & way out of it. Then think the other way but keep in mind not to lose temper while analyzing. As per me the best palce for doing this analysis is in front of god. The environment of any scared palace is so cool that the environmetn itself tries to control ur temper to about 40%. Do try this out if any one in trouble.
| By Jason on Tuesday, May 23, 2000 - 06:07 pm: |
Dearest Maitreya
your message is clear and very energizing. i am going to send this whole page to my forever angry wife who is ruining me, her and the world around her for her anger, caused by her deep insecurity and mistrust of everyone. she is a nervous bubble. I wish she can understand your words. I am sure she will.
Warm regards to you and thanks a lot again for your most helpful words.
| By The anger monster on Tuesday, May 23, 2000 - 05:50 pm: |
Hello,
It's quite ironic that i have been sent this 2day, I have been suffering from feelings ranging from extreme depression to high levels of anger (the thought of taking someone's life). Having just broken up with my girlfriend, first of all it was a case of LOVE because it had finished while i was away working in Europe while she was, as it turns out enjoying herself & seeing someone else back at home, the latter part i didn't find out until it was over about 3 weeks, There was me thinking that we could & would get back together (what a fool). That's when the anger started to arise, see, if i'm honest with myself (which is the hardest thing that 1 can do), i could see this coming a mile off, but because love is blind you don't see it, so therefore you gat angry with yourself, 1, for not admitting to it at the time, & 2, for not doing anything about it when you should have.
For anyone out there reading this, the only thing that i have really got to say is, I know how anger can make you want to do some very stupid things, but is it worth it, it doesn't change anything it will only make you twisted & probably even more lonely.
Don't be angry with yourself even if you think that you could of done things differently, if someone wants you then they will acept you for want you are & not want they want you to be!
It's amazing how LOVE can turn to hate in a very short space of time & over the slightest little thing.
It will get easier with time, that i will guaranty!
| By Anonymous on Tuesday, May 23, 2000 - 04:22 pm: |
Hi i have read your other messages and i can sort of relate to them.Although my situation isnt as bad! since i was small i have been emotionally bullied by so called friends i am know 14 and it is still happening.They tease me and i cant control my anger and so i retaliate!I know this query will seem trivial compared to some of you people out there who have suffered major losses due to it but i was wondering if any1 could help me to find a way to control this anger?If any1 could help me it would stop me from repeating these outbursts in the future.which would stop them(so called friends)from seeing that they are getting to me!
| By cp on Tuesday, May 23, 2000 - 02:16 pm: |
hello I feel that I am not allowed to get angery I am
the fiber of a household where there are two adult
alcoholics one child with ADHD one child who is
hearing impaired and I am hearing impaired I am a
pagen and the others(husband , father=in-law) are
christian. my views must be kept hidden my caretaker
roll must not slip I must appear healthy at all times
even if sick and there are many other things going on
I am not allowed a bad day. when I loose my temper
many people who depend on me for stability are
affected I have begun to feel trapped with anger and
frustration inside me how how how do I get rid of it
so as not to bother thoes whom need no more damage?
I had let it build up to a torrent then released it
recently and instead of feeling better I felt worse
because one I hurt the foundation of all the
relationships secound because I was faced with the
realization that I am not allowed a bad day. the
others were not used to me behaving that way and acted
as if my concerns were unessesary. I know many
meditations that help however am I not entitled to get
steam off too I spend so much time keeping others calm
and soothing others than no one wants to hepl me I can
only depend on myself that is what angers me most the
fact that I am needed I am not that way but it has
happened I am usualy a very independant carefree
person but I am beset with worries about my kids my
relationship my world and noone seems to care that I
shoulder their burdens that my plat is full stop
piling shit on it. and now I am angery for feeling
guilty for carrying on so
| By Van on Tuesday, May 23, 2000 - 12:15 am: |
It makes me angry whenever I think of how unsupportive my family was during the time I took care of my parents. My father had a stroke in the spring of 1988, making him unable to handle the household duties
that he handled before the stroke (going to the grocery store, paying bills, driving his car). In
addition, because of the stroke, he also had to visit
the hospital for doctor's appointments on a regular basis. While my father's body was deteriorating, my
mother was getting older. As the years went by, she
was able to do less around the house because of aging.
I was going to college full time at the time of daddy's stroke, but I was unable to graduate with my
class because I had to reduce my courseload to half-time. As my parents got older, the siblings spent less and less time at their parents' house and I
was expected to take care of them as well as myself (a
few of them kept asking why it was taking me so to graduate). By the way, I am the youngest of eleven children. By the time of my father's stroke, I was the youngest of ten children. Even though a few of
them had moved to other states, there were enough of
them in the state that we lived in to help out more.
But they didn't. That's what I'm angry about.
| By faan on Monday, May 22, 2000 - 11:24 pm: |
To Brenda,
What is keeping you from leaving him? I think you should seek a divorce rightaway rather than waiting for a heart attack to take you.
| By brenda on Monday, May 22, 2000 - 04:58 pm: |
My husband angers me to the point of knowing he exist. He is fake, to agressive, unfair, not a good husband, not a good father, not financially supportive, takes the entire family for granted. Expects a lot and gives nothing.
He cheats on me, there's another child that's 2-3 years old outside the marriage. He constantly lies about it. He took the other womman to the family reunion while I was home.
I work for a living and not earning a lot of money. I'm always without money trying to feed, clothe and take care of my boys. He knows this is what cripples me not earning enough. Also, he pays people to watch my every existence. This is mentally destroying me.
He comes in to tell me where I went for lunch and who was with me. My self esteem is so torn and I feel so beat down.
This is the way his mother lived and died from a massive heart attack. My father-in-law treated her even worse.
| By Carlan on Friday, April 28, 2000 - 11:01 pm: |
Sherry 1v,I like you am a hugger, i.e., when I attempt to console a person I put my hands on that person. With hands-on contact I feel that an uneasy resistive barrier that might exist between us is removed. We become mentally and physically more closely related as one human being can become to another human being. This physical contact can, often be, misconstrued. The wrong vibrations can be sent to the consoled. The consoled could feel something that you did not intend for them to feel. Such as they could feel that you are attempting to be romantic; they could feel that you want to sexually stimulate them, or they could feel that you want to compromise them in some other way. Because of these uncomfortable possibilities we must be very careful of not only who we touch but how we touch them and where we touch them and we should never touch them when we are alone with them. It is imperative to maintain a respectable distance from whomever you are trying to console. You must always be alert to the sensitivity and the insensitivity of the person you are trying to console. Unlike me, an attractive person must be more guarded. They must be alert to their natural allure and they must realize that often their natural loving nature will be misinterpreted by many people. This attractiveness may not be self thought but if you look in the mirror and you see some form of beauty there be especially careful how you approach any person even if your sole intent is to console or to comfort that person. A pretty woman who is just trying to be kind and considerate will often be put into some kind of compromising situation for no other reason than for her prettiness. Moreover, this same pretty woman will often blame herself (or get angry at herself) for causing a misunderstanding in the consoled person. Of course, she is not to blame and she is not to be angry with herself. She cannot control what’s in the minds of other people. She cannot be aware of what she cannot know. She can only believe in the rightness of her actions and she must trust in her knowledge of the appropriateness of her behavior. She must too believe in her nurturing instincts. But, above all she must let God move her in all that she is attempting to do and with God in control all will turn out well for all concerned. In my mind it is wrong to pull away from people just to avoid compromising ourselves or them, however, we must be prudent and we must maintain our integrity and their integrity as well. And, I believe we can best do all of these things when we allow God to guide us in all that we attempt to do.
| By LINDA on Friday, April 28, 2000 - 04:43 pm: |
AMAZING GRACE IS IN THE AIR AS LOVE TRANSCENDS IN TIME,
MANKIND TRANSFORMED BY SPIRIT REBORN, IN TUNE WITH JOY SUBLIME.
I SEE SOMEONES ANGER AS A CRY FOR HELP.A NEGATIVE RESPONSE AIMED AT ME IS NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY.COMPASSION IS THE ONLY RESPONSE POSSIBLE. IMAGINE YOURSELF IN THE ANGRY ONES SHOES AND REALIZE IT IS FEAR, RELEASE IT AND REPLACE IT WITH LOVE.CLEAR YOURSELF BY BATHING YOURSELF IN DIVINE WHITE LIGHT.LOVE AND LIGHT MANY BLESSINGS!
| By Sherry1v on Friday, April 28, 2000 - 12:38 pm: |
My anger is at myself. I don't know how to relate to people in a way that I am not their caregiver. I am very emotional and very caring. When I hug someone, it is not a sexual thing, it's a caring thing. I get misunderstood. These same people see that I don't come on to guys like that, not that it's a bad thing , it's just not me. I am angry because I should know how to be.
| By alvia on Wednesday, April 5, 2000 - 01:38 am: |
hello world here i am.
| By Carlan on Thursday, March 23, 2000 - 09:28 pm: |
I use to work with a man who was always growling and grumbling when he was approached about anything at all. He would berate people who would be bold enough to ask him to do even the smallest task. I also worked with a man who was always congenial and was liked by everyone. After some little time, I noticed that the congenial man was always being asked to do this or to do that and he was busy doing not only his own work he was busier doing a lot of the other people's work as well. You guessed it! The scowling man sat around growling and grumbling but he was never asked to do much of anything. There is some kind of moral to this story but not a very good one.
I would not suggest to anyone to act the scowling grumbling way. I would not ask anyone to act the always congenial way, either. And, to my mind it is never a good idea to act or behave in such a manner contrary to your real inner self. You are a good team player. You want other people's approval and friendship. These are very good ideals to have, but, do not act the fool or the dupe for those people who will take advantage of a person such as yourself. You must politely or not so politely insist that you do not mind helping out but not now. Then immediately, turn away and do that which is a duty for you to fulfill. Do not feel guilty or troubled. There is no reason for you to feel badly for addressing forthrightly a situation which is draining to your well-being.
People or at least the people who really care about you and your well-being will continue to be your friend. The others, well, they will have to do more of their own work, won't they?
| By abrar Hashmi on Thursday, March 23, 2000 - 11:49 am: |
I don't no how to deal with my anger. could tell me
You know what is the my problem, i think you will try
to understand me, may be you will say no you are wrong but people make me angry, in the office mostly i got angry, my office colleuge they want to give me their work to me, one or two three time i can help them but every time is it possible ? from my side i want to help in their work but when i will get time not always.
could you solve my problem.
thanks
| By Dana on Monday, March 20, 2000 - 08:07 pm: |
Often times we expect the world to treat us fairly because we are fair people. Unfortunately, the world does not work that way, and we get angry. It is a little like expecting a bull to not charge because you are a vegetarian. Or, in the words of Dennis Leary, "Life sucks, get a helmet!!"
| By Dan on Monday, March 20, 2000 - 08:01 pm: |
Harboring a resentment towards a another is akin to consuming poison and expecting the other person to die.
| By Carlan on Saturday, March 18, 2000 - 09:56 pm: |
Anger is a personal thing! You get angry because something in your mind makes you think that you have been personally affronted or attacked. Your brother ask you to take out the garbage. You get angry with him because you think he is trying to take advantage of you and you don’t like that and so you tell him where he can put that garbage. A fight ensues, you cripple your brother for life. *** Your boss decides that you are not going to be put in charge of a coming project. You get angry, you rant and rage, not at your boss, but, you take it out on your wife and kids, you beat them and berate them. Your wife divorces you and your kids run away. *** You are driving down the road, someone cuts in front of you and you nearly have an accident. You get angry and you rage against them. You drive madly after them and jeopardize yourself and everyone else in your car and other innocent bystanders. You wind up striking another vehicle and you kill a mother and her two little boys. Your leg has to be amputated. *** You see a man with purple skin and square eyes. You can’t stand people with purple skin and square eyes. You want to eliminate all people who have purple skin and square eyes. So, you go get a gun and start killing as many of these kinds of people as you can. You are sent to the electric chair. *** You see a man who you know is gay and you believe that no gay people should be allowed to live. You go and beat the man to a pulp. You are sent to prison for manslaughter. *** Your mother tells you that you must not hang around that crowd anymore. You rebel. You tell her to mind her own business. You then run with the crowd and the next thing you know you are waking up in a police station because you were involved in a booze or drug party and got busted. You go mad with rage. You blame the police, you blame society, you blame your mother, and you blame everyone but yourself for the predicament you now find yourself.
We could go on and on. But, the bottom line here is we don’t know what ticks off anyone else but we do know what ticks us off. Things that make them see red may only be a shade of pink to the rest of us. And, when I get angry you may think to yourself, “What’s with him or her? Why would anyone care whether or not people with purple skin and square eyes exist or not?”
I can easily tell anyone that he or she should never get angry over anything that does not make me angry. However, when I get angry my freely given advice goes right out of the old proverbial window. If you choose to fight back or to strike out at those things or those people who anger you. You better rethink! The problem with striking out is that you will cause yourself more trouble as days go by. If you fight an antagonist you will never run out of antagonistic type people to fight. You can never fight all the battles that will be coming at you. You will always be in a fight! And, there will always be events and people that will not please you. It is better for you to find a new beginning by beginning a new thought process.
I will attempt to suggest a way to lessen the “anger” episodes. This works for me, most of the time it does anyway. It is my two step method. Not many steps, so, can be remembered easily. *** Step 1. Avoid those people or things that upset you! This is not easily done and perhaps cannot be reasonably done. *** Step 2. Humble yourself! This step is very tough but must be mastered!
Most angry people have a hair trigger response mechanism and this second step slows the response time down a good bit. Do you know how to humble yourself? Well, the way I do it is I remember what God showed me. God showed me what the real pain of life is. God showed me the difference between any of us. Believe me what I saw knocked the breath out of me. God showed me that I was nothing! Nothing at all! I thought I was everything, but, I was shown the real depth of my vanity. I was shown that all of our pathetic knowledge and alleged self worth and enormous egotistical ideals were as nothing. I cried tears of pity for my deluded self. I cried tears for the insanity of all of mankind. I still do! What was so pathetic was to be shown how simple a thing that each of us must do to attain real happiness and lasting joy. The simplicity is what makes it so easily missed. It’s not the glory or the gold or the greatness thing that anyone of us attains that will put us in the sanctity of a real and wonder filled realm. It is that we must humble ourselves before those we hate and we must humble ourselves before those who hate us. Until you can give up your worldly pride and your pathetic ego, you will not be able to gain access into a better realm.
Do you have to give up trying to attain a gold medal or give up trying to be the president of some country or give up all of your worldly possessions? No! What God expressed to me was just the opposite. Go for the gold! Attain all the knowledge you can, make this worldly realm a better place, raise your family the best that you can. Maintain your invaluable position in this world, fight for the good of and for yourself and your neighbors but keep in mind that you are judged to be a better human being more for what you can do and do do for those people that you are not personally related to or obligated to in some way. Be careful to never cross God!
Finally, anger is a personal problem and must be personally remedied as best that you know how. But, if you don’t try to overcome most of the things that anger you. You and a few other people (people who love you the most) will suffer for your angry episodes. Moreover, remember that most of the world’s population (7 billion) won’t give a moments thought to what happens to you or to your family! And, above all else remember that you must love them all anyway!
| By Annie on Saturday, March 18, 2000 - 04:38 am: |
Hi, I to am trying to deal with anger,you see I work a woman who is so mean with her mouth,she also works in another place she goes over to that job and puts me into the ground.I'm so full of anger and hate it's tearing me apart. Help what do I do.
| By sa on Thursday, March 16, 2000 - 07:49 pm: |
There are certain things that happen to us in our lives that will stick with us forever. Every now and then when I'm having a bad day, I think about my regrets, the things I should've done to protect myself from the people who use to treat me like crap. I'm almost 21 one years old now and I still cry like a baby when I think how bad my teenage years were like in the beginning. That sorrow tuns to an evil type of anger that makes me want to beat up a wall with my rare fits, and believe me I have; I have the bruises to prove it.I tried everything including smoking pot in my past to represse it, but the anger is still there. The only thing that helps to slowly heal those wounds are to be a stronger woman, the kind of woman who doesn't take anybody's crap. I'm more independent, emotionally and mentally strong, and brave against certain people whom I think may just run me over. It's a crule world and I know now that it is the negativity in life that we should equally learn about as we do with the positive things. That's just the way it is. People, we need to be strong not stupid, let's take care of our tempers through knowledge and self control. I'd rather punch solid walls than my worst enemy and that's the truth. PEACE
| By Anonymous on Thursday, March 16, 2000 - 05:37 pm: |
I learnt the hardest way possible, the price of anger - it cost me my marriage and my family. I used to work 12 hour days, year after year - thinking that my hard work would eventually pay off and my career would take off - after all, I thought to myself, I am doing all this for my family. I used to come home tired and irritable to an equally frustrated wife, who had to take care of our 2 little kids. The smallest things would end up in an argument. Well, my career did take off - but my wife gave up. Today, I wait for the moments I can spend with my beloved kids (about 3 days a week), who are forced to grow up in a broken home for no fault of theirs. Sad thing is, it is an accepted fact of life in this country - or so my wife was told. Learn from my experience and save yourself the pain. You owe it to your kid(s), if you have any.
| By KGB on Thursday, March 16, 2000 - 02:23 pm: |
Hi, it is odd that I recieved this message today, as I woke up this morning dealing with this very issue. Anger. The black cloud that continually seems to rain on my days....
...I have always had a difficult time dealing with my anger...at first I repress it, because I have the understanding that whatever the route of my anger is at the present time (often I cannot define the source) that eventually I will be able to see things clearer...
Unfortunatley, I often do not see things clearer until the repressed anger finally overwhelms me and I blow up...only then can I see the causes of my anger, and route of the emotions that caused it.
How can I train myself to be able to understand my anger when it hits me...and then respond appropriately in a calm, rational manner?
Much of my anger problems have to do with some of what I read above about being frustrated when people do not understand you. I get angry about something...but I cannot control how I express that anger...thus it results in a lot of misinterpretations of my actual feelings, and things get so confused that it leads to additonal frustration and eventually more anger on both sides.
I also got here through a link...I do not know how to get back to this sight, but I feel it will be very helpful to me in my quest to control my anger...so could you reply with the web sight that I can find you again???
Thanks,
KGB
| By Anonymous on Thursday, March 16, 2000 - 12:05 pm: |
hi
how are u
please don't post the message in the computer. it's personal
sometimes i am angry because my own brother doesn't talk to me and i dont' know why he doesn't talk to me and my parents know about this but they don't think or care. i really had a difficult time when i had to stay him because i have to see him all the time. when i see him, i wish like to kill him but i can't. sometimes i think he will change but i dont' see any sign he will change. i don't know what to do. when i try to talk to him, he doesn't answer. can u tell what is the solution
| By Carlan on Tuesday, December 14, 1999 - 12:32 am: |
The anger to which you speak is the anger of frustration. The frustration of not being understood. The frustration of not being understood by the individuals closes to one because of the lack of the ability to make known one’s own mind’s wishes and foibles. The frustration of believing one’s thoughts should be known and understood by everyone, but, at the same time realizing that because of one’s own inability to communicate effectively one is not understood and will not be understood. So, out of frustration one lashes out! Your father and your stepfather are frustrated men. These men are not criminals nor are they unloving men. However, they are men who do need professional counseling. Their condition is a disease and should be treated as a disease. Also, those people who must live under the same roof as these kinds of people should be counseled as well. They must learn how to keep from setting off these individuals as much as they can. And, they must be patient with them and give them plenty of time to learn to communicate better. But, if the situation becomes unbearable or if the individual does not continue to try to get help for himself, you must protect yourself as well as any other family members by calling the police and getting yourself and them out of harms way.
| By Butch on Thursday, December 9, 1999 - 10:56 am: |
I saw the anger in my father when he beat up my mother. Then I saw the anger in my step-father when he'd beat me. Now, at 44yrs. old, the anger lies deep within me, but I've learned to deal with it intellectually and spritually; That is to say I recognize it for what it is: A weekness of character, brought on by a lack of self-control. I know that I can emulate both my fathers if I choose to do so. But I choose not to; not that I'm anything great, but because I refuse to be lowered to that standard. We're all given choices to make. Anger never solved anything. It only creates frustration, illness, confusion, and also ruins lives. The consequences of one deed done in anger can alter one's life drastically. "Make no friendship with an angry man. And with a furious man do not go, Lest you learn his ways and set a snare for your soul." (proverbs 22:24-25)
| By pammi on Friday, August 27, 1999 - 04:44 pm: |
Anger is one letter short of danger (a good quote but not mine, don't know whose). I think it is a very useful tool, but if not expressed properly or if suppressed or denied, it becomes very explosive. Think of it as gun powder. In the right hands, in the right amounts and at the right places, it can help by exploding large obstacles to clear the way for construction. On the other hand, if proper precautions are not taken, it can destroy indiscriminately. Once we understand the nature of anger and make it our servant instead of our master, it will serve us well instead of ruling us foolishly. It is very important to learn to be angry to the right degree, with the right person at the right time. When we do not do that we end up losing touch with ourselves and getting angry with someone who happens to be there when some minor event triggers the anger even though this person is not connected with it in any way. The degree of anger is also much greater because it has been festering already. Somehow we think that anger is all bad and if we show anger, it means we are bad and out of control. We end up with the very situation we are trying to avoid. When we express unreasonable anger at a person not responsible for it, we incite anger in that person also, thus starting a chain reaction. On the other hand, if we first acknowledge to ourselves that we are angry, and why we are angry, it becomes easier to address it. For example, a colleague makes a comment to you about an issue that is a sore point with you. You become angry but don't say anything. Another colleague comes to you for help with a project and you blow your top, saying you have enough to do without wasting time helping lazy people complete their jobs. What has happened here is that because you did not address your anger, you directed it at a person who was not responsible for it, it still did not get resolved AND you made another person angry. On the other hand, if you had addressed the anger, taken the time to admit that yes you are angry, you could have gone to the first colleague and said,"You know,what you said really hurt my feelings. You may not have realized that it is a sore subject with me, so please don't make such comments to me." Your tone of voice should be firm but calm. This gives the offender an opportunity to either apologise or explain, gives you a chance to calm down because you have expressed and expelled your anger and you won't jump at the second colleague as readily. This is a very idealistic situation, but with practice, you will find that the time between your running into an unpleasant situation and addressing the anger, becomes shorter. You will be able to deal with it more calmly and even learn to brush it off as you learn not to take responsibility for other people's anger by side stepping the provocation as a matador would a charging bull. That is where the expression "take the bull by the horns" comes from.
| By asman on Wednesday, June 16, 1999 - 10:15 pm: |
Whats so wrong with being angry? Its one of the natural emotions of human beings just like any other one? why do we have to avoid it or keep it under repression? Restrained this way ,its more than likely to create holes on the soul of the possessor. Who is going to heal up THOSE holes?
It might be the way the anger is EXPRESSED by different individuals which might need a reevaluation and revision. It should however be borne in mind that its not wise to try to wipe out entire crop of rice because you detest overdone rice.
| By Carlan on Thursday, May 27, 1999 - 12:47 pm: |
Anger like many emotions is a necessary trait given to us to allow our selves to live on this world in a more or less secure manner. Anger which is controlled is very good for us in that it allows us to fight against wrongs done or about to be done on us. Many times a belligerent aggressor will turn back when we in our angry state show them that we are determined to fight back. Other times anger is a good thing when we are told that we cannot do something we want to do and in our anger we do it. So, there exist "good" anger controlled or otherwise; and there is "bad" anger the kind of anger that is unjustifiable and wrong.
I think that sometimes when we speak of anger that we confuse anger with hate. (of course, if you combine anger with hate, well, let’s say that this will cause us not to think reasonably and disaster will always be the result.) When I was angry all those many years, most of the time, I did not hate anybody or anything. I just was angry! I just wanted people to understand me and when I thought they did not, I got angry. Since I didn’t know how else to make people understand me I would lash out at them the only way I knew how. I used the old fashion barbaric way I tried to beat them into understanding me. But, hate them, no, I actually wanted to be liked by them and in some cases I wanted to be just like them but didn’t know how to communicate this thought to them.
| By faan on Thursday, May 27, 1999 - 04:01 am: |
Dear Friend ,
I think the idea of controlling one's thoughts is fabulous. After all what a dominant person you are if you cant control your own emotions. Agree, anger could spoil a lot and sometimes it gives an
after effect in form of guilt and regret. But..... the wonderful feeling of satisfaction associated with it seems to surpass all atleast temporarily!
| By Friend on Wednesday, May 26, 1999 - 11:07 pm: |
Anger: I think this is a very important subject. I used to be a very angry person most of my life. I did some really horrible things like swearing, breaking things etc. Now when I look back I feel terrible. How did I get rid of it? Meditation. I went through a phase of life where I had no life and my entire life was falling apart. I joined a meditation group. I think any form of meditation group is fine. What it teaches you is how to control your thinking. Thoughts are like traffic. In a given second we have thousands of thoughts crossing our mind. If there were no traffic lights there will be accidents all over. In the same way if we don't circulate our thinking properly and with some sort of desciplene we will be having mental confusion and conflicts. Thus it is a mind controlling act. Once you become aware of your thoughts and learn how to rationalize them and think wisely you will learn how to manage your anger. One more thing. It is not as easy as it looks. But with slow and steady practice we all can overcome this weakness and become more content people. Anger destroys everything. It destroys our energy, relationship with people and the entire surroundings. You can manage it if you really want to. Just try meditation. Good Luck to all!
| By Carlan on Monday, May 24, 1999 - 10:31 pm: |
Something which I can easily relate to is anger. I suffered from anger since I was born. I was angry most of my life. I didn’t know what anger really was. I didn’t care what it was, either. I only knew if someone or something hurt me or mine either physically or emotionally I retaliated against them with uncontrolled anger. From an angry child I grew into an angry adult and had a very difficult time keeping my enraged anger under control. I got my uncontrollable anger from my mother’s genes, she too was a very angry person most of her life. Everyone has a type of anger in them but most people can control it. But, there are people like me out there that once provoked into becoming angry are very hard to get back under control. I am much better at it now but still have bouts with it every now and again. Anger is a terrible disease which in my case leads to rage which is even a worse disease. I always had felt that if people or things would not have caused me to become angry all would be all right. But, since people and things could not possibly know what would make me angry how could they possibly avoid making me angry? It and they couldn’t and I was angry most of the time. I always walked around believing that people didn’t like me. I believed that no one wanted me to succeed at anything. I believed that if I didn’t fight for something I wanted no one would ever be there to help me get it. I believed that if I dominated a person physically I was liked and respected by that person. I believed that fear was the only thing that caused people to have respect for me. I regarded everything that was kind and gentle, cynically. I loved my own kind and my own family and friends and hated everybody else. If you didn’t conform to my way of thinking about things I hated you. If I thought you thought that you were better than me in anything I became angry and would turn on you like a mother tiger protecting her young.
What has helped me the most was finding out that God is real and knowing that we all live surrounded in God’s love! I hope if you are an angry person like myself that you too will find this God of our reality before you do do something of which you will regret for a long, long time!
| By faan on Sunday, May 23, 1999 - 05:47 am: |
Showing anger on someone in any form whether its
screaming, shouting, physical abuse or even worse,the social boycott; means that we are being selfish ...
We wish to keep our own life smooth and easy by not allowing negative feelings to pent up in our hearts. This may also reflect weakness on our part for not being able to control our own emotions ,the emotions that we know are by no means harmless .
But since to every bad there IS a worse , likewise ,showing off anger is probably better than trying to repress it . That way we do not end up having ill feelings for someone that might last for ever, nor do we feel sorry for our ownselves for having to bear the ill consequences forced on us by someone else.
Nevertheless ,although it is considered a negative trait but i take it as an important asset to those of us who have too many frustrations in life as anger provides them a vent....an easy way out, and so that they dont have to overburden their defence mechanisms to try to rationalise for this extra negativity, ...or does anger in itself acts as a defence mechanism....?
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